My Heart Will Go On

 

Distant hearts beating together as one,

In a short space, a teardrop falls.

Like a short breath; a raspy sound,

My broken fairytale—as fragile as ruined walls.

-excerpt from Serra’s diary

I fingered the tattered note in my hand. The last fragment of his existence before he left. Something to remind me of everything. Of the happiness, of the pain, of bittersweet longing. Clearly, something to remember him by. But the note is nothing compared to the tinge he left within me. The mark that will always stay there. I know his existence completely lives within my very soul.

His life, forever a reminder.

My pen shook between my clammy fingers. The rest of the world did not make any sense to me. It swirled and spun, leaving me dizzy and exhausted and completely misguided.

But I had to start writing. It felt like it was the right thing to do, even when all the right choices seemed to have vanished. Blinking through hot tears, I began to scribble on the yellowed pages.

 

30^th of May, 2011

Dear Diary,

I feel lost and broken. Like a part of me died off. Like some sense in me had faded into nothingness. A terrible feeling. I feel like I’ll never be able to stand up again. I feel… empty.

This is too much for a seventeen year-old girl to handle. I know that much. Here comes everything in this world, resting over my shoulders as if to make life harder than they truly are. Just so you know, I have a secret to tell you.

Do you remember the day I told you about the time Zander and I started a food fight at school back in fourth grade? You probably don’t, since the last time I wrote on you was when I was in sixth grade. I forgot about you, and you probably forgot about me too.

Can you remember that time? When Zander and I planned to run away when I was ten years old? When I was so sad about grandpa’s death? I cried that time. He cried with me, just because he saw me.

And also, there was that time when Zander gave me a birthday gift. He gave me that fancy little music box, right? And when I opened it, there was a centipede inside, and I screamed so hard. I didn’t talk to him for days after that. But eventually, I knew I had to forgive him somehow.

One time, during sixth grade, he made me sing a song in front of the whole class. I sang the song My Heart Will Go On. I was so embarrassed, but a lot of my classmates told me I had a beautiful voice. He’s the one who made me like music. In a way, he changed my life, in more ways I thought he did. I realized just now.

There was also that time when he told me he had to leave for middle school. To London. That was the time I cried way too hard for him. That was also the last time I wrote here, before now, of course.

Just so you know, Zander gave you to me.

I stopped writing in you, and I have a good seven pages left now. Old paper. Almost brown. But it feels awesome, like I’m having a part of Zander with me right now.

Now I have to tell you about something else.

When Zander left, I had to go to middle school alone. I had to be alone all through it. But when I turned fifteen, that was the day Javed showed up. I never told you about Javed, but he was a lot like Zander.

Javed gave me a lot of my firsts. He brought me to the movies, he asked me to prom, he held my hand whenever we were together. All those cliché stuff. On our first date, I spilled my soda all over him. I was so embarrassed, but now it’s just an object of laughter.

When he asked me to prom, I was a nervous wreck. I completely made a fool of myself when I recited the opening prayer. I’m a writer, so they thought having me as the prayer leader was some sort of a good idea. I, again, was so embarrassed, but Javed made that funny somehow. He teased me, but in a good way.

Our first kiss was completely unexpected. Our class had a swimming trip. I nearly drowned. I pretended that I was unconscious when he pulled me out of the water. I just planned to laugh at him afterwards. I was sixteen then, and also quite foolish.

He did that CPR thing. Mouth to mouth resuscitation. I immediately blushed and pushed him away. In the end, he was the one laughing at me. He said that wasn’t mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was a real kiss. Again, I was embarrassed. He knew I was faking it all along.

I tend to always get embarrassed, huh? Yes. He spent weeks teasing me about bringing me to a swimming pool just so I could earn a kiss from him. Like I was that desperate. So I told him that I didn’t want him to kiss me back then. And also that I didn’t want him to kiss me. Ever.

But eventually, I had to eat my words. We never kissed after that, and I learned he was doing that on purpose, just to make me “realize” that I actually wanted (which I did not! Or at least not entirely…) him to kiss me. In the end, I got my second kiss in a more romantic way.

He just sort of pulled me and kissed me on my birthday.

That was two years ago, and I still haven’t told you the rest. Only two years have passed, but I felt like the sixteen year-old me back then had lots to learn. I feel almost like we’re two very different persons.

A lot of things happened after that. Fun things. And sometimes we quarreled. One time, we had our biggest argument, and we broke up.

Six months ago, not long after our breakup, Zander came back, and everything went crazier. I learned that they were cousins—Zander and Javed. I was surprised that I didn’t talk to either of them, even when they begged for me to say something.

But I softened in time, and I let Zander in again. I wouldn’t have if I knew things would turn out this way.

In time, Zander told me he was in love with me. I didn’t know how I felt. I was just confused and surprised. And I was feeling conflicted, what with him being cousins with Javed. So I told him that I’d think about it.

That was the wrong thing to do, apparently. I had so many choices, yet I chose this road. It’s painful and rough, and all I want to do is break down and cry.

Two weeks ago. . .

That was the most painful.

Javed was diagnosed of a heart disease and was in need for a heart transplant fast. I had to be with him. It felt right.

In the end, they both asked me who I loved. I love both of them. I do. But I was torn. Conflicted. It was an impossible choice. But I had to choose. And I chose Javed. He needed me.

He grew weaker. Weaker still. Until he couldn’t take it anymore, and he was just so weak. Alive, yet weak. The last few nights, I did nothing but cry myself to sleep. Cry and weep and mourn. I love him. I love him. I love him. I truly do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be crying.

But that wasn’t the hardest part. The hardest part happened four days ago. We found a heart donor, for the transplant. Everything was compatible. The blood type, the size. Virtually a clone of his heart, if not for slight differences.

I should have been happy. I should have been. My boyfriend would live. His suffering would end. I should have been jumping in happiness. I almost did, if I didn’t find out what price we had to pay.

Zander.

Zander purposely donated his heart. He kept it a secret, got diagnosed whether or not they would be compatible, right before I told him that I chose Javed. He had it all planned out if ever I didn’t choose him.

Zander died for Javed—no. He died for me.

All that was left of him was the note I found inside my music box earlier today. He probably must have slipped it in there the last  time we were together. I found the note, and I knew I had to write in you, diary. My heart couldn’t take everything anymore. His death was the hardest thing I had to go through. It definitely was the hardest.

Everything is not as they seem, because it happened at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons.

The night Zander died, I’ve fallen for him.

I’ve fallen, and I know, I don’t regret it. I keep him close. Within me.

Forever, a reminder.

—

I snapped the diary shut, letting my tears fall. At the funeral, I dropped the diary right before they buried him in the cemetery. That diary was filled with different things. Things I treasured, moments I kept, stuff I knew were important to me and my life.

It felt right doing this.

The note I found in my music box was still in my hand as the tears came.

            Loving you always, Serra. I gave my heart to the one you chose. The one you love. Keep him, and you’ll keep me. Love him, and you’ll love me. Hurt him, and you’ll hurt me. Just remember how much my world revolved around you.

            My heart will go on.